No more words left......
Heart emptied of feelings.....
Have I forgotten everything?
Everything seems to be washing away quickly.
Pain no longer piercing my soul.
Is this friendship too late to mend?
Maybe...
I will no longer hold on to it.
I learned. The more I want to grasp onto a priceless treasure, the more it will slip away like sand grain escaping from between my fingers.
No more tears.
No more apologies.
No more nonsense.
I will only continue to miss you and your words to me.
When dawn breaks, I will start anew.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
A Reflection: The Dream I Dreamed
I will be starting a new life in Taiwan soon. I will be continuing my career as a teacher at a bilingual school. Having said this, I am still in disbelief as I have not made such a big decision in my life before. The thought of living a Pacific Ocean away from a community I am familiar with has been making me anxious lately. I am beginning to feel what my ESL students had felt when they immigrated to the United States. Living on my own in another country seems somewhat daunting but I will find my way.
I have always dreamed of teaching abroad when I first applied to the Charter College of Education. It was the dream I dreamed and still am dreaming. I thought it would be good to begin building my teaching skills from the younger grade levels. What I did not know is obtaining a permanent credential would require so many years. Well, in my case, it did and still is! To look on the positive side, I really have accomplished a great deal. Right?!
There have been moments of wanting to give up this dream during both the credentialing process and the TESOL program. I lost faith in myself. I truly did. This is what happens when you set super high expectations for every situation and for everyone. I had to learn the hard way, but I still finished both programs. I would not have gone this far and built such confidence without the initial guidance of my credentialing supervisor and master teacher, and eventually a big boost by my TESOL professors, especially Dr. KS. This dream could not have been made possible without them. I have made mistakes along the way, but my teachers have always been a huge support. This invaluable support they have given me will live strong inside of me. The other main support comes from the friends I grew up with and my CSULA friends, especially the group brought together by Dr. P. Cannot thank them enough for their friendship. I will miss my teachers and friends.
Now I will turn the tide of this journey as a teacher to Asia and take a somewhat different path.
Words by Carol
"I want to be able to wake up with a smile on my face and say I love what I do."
I have always dreamed of teaching abroad when I first applied to the Charter College of Education. It was the dream I dreamed and still am dreaming. I thought it would be good to begin building my teaching skills from the younger grade levels. What I did not know is obtaining a permanent credential would require so many years. Well, in my case, it did and still is! To look on the positive side, I really have accomplished a great deal. Right?!
There have been moments of wanting to give up this dream during both the credentialing process and the TESOL program. I lost faith in myself. I truly did. This is what happens when you set super high expectations for every situation and for everyone. I had to learn the hard way, but I still finished both programs. I would not have gone this far and built such confidence without the initial guidance of my credentialing supervisor and master teacher, and eventually a big boost by my TESOL professors, especially Dr. KS. This dream could not have been made possible without them. I have made mistakes along the way, but my teachers have always been a huge support. This invaluable support they have given me will live strong inside of me. The other main support comes from the friends I grew up with and my CSULA friends, especially the group brought together by Dr. P. Cannot thank them enough for their friendship. I will miss my teachers and friends.
Now I will turn the tide of this journey as a teacher to Asia and take a somewhat different path.
Words by Carol
"I want to be able to wake up with a smile on my face and say I love what I do."
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Chapter 3: The Moment
An artist's mind is always wandering. Waiting for the right moment, I sit quietly drawing a person contemplating.
Where does one seek inspiration? Surroundings? People in one's life? My canvas had remained clean until I heard the song "River Flows in You." This song continues to flow in me. I repeated the song as I drew this person. This person is contemplating. Contemplating about worries? Why worry? Stop! This person's mind is filled with negative images that cannot be unveiled to others. The person tries to runaway from these images. This pain, this person just cannot control? So many things that cannot be said. Cannot help. Cannot say the reason for leaving. Until the person realized the pictures have already occurred, everything was too late. The person awaits punishment and readily accepts it. Has everything gone? Yes. This person believes it has. Wanted to explain. No courage. Will the person be accepted again? Afraid to know the answer is no. This Gift, should I embrace it or detest it? I will not answer. I will never go against natural causes anymore. Even so, I am not going to stop drawing.
It is late now. I am thinking time will heal the wounds caused. They were never meant to be created. I will await with a forgiving heart and will let this river continue to flow in me. I hear water streaming along with nature's force. Never ending. Never ending. I will let all the darkness fade away from my mind and be a light to the people around me.
Where does one seek inspiration? Surroundings? People in one's life? My canvas had remained clean until I heard the song "River Flows in You." This song continues to flow in me. I repeated the song as I drew this person. This person is contemplating. Contemplating about worries? Why worry? Stop! This person's mind is filled with negative images that cannot be unveiled to others. The person tries to runaway from these images. This pain, this person just cannot control? So many things that cannot be said. Cannot help. Cannot say the reason for leaving. Until the person realized the pictures have already occurred, everything was too late. The person awaits punishment and readily accepts it. Has everything gone? Yes. This person believes it has. Wanted to explain. No courage. Will the person be accepted again? Afraid to know the answer is no. This Gift, should I embrace it or detest it? I will not answer. I will never go against natural causes anymore. Even so, I am not going to stop drawing.
It is late now. I am thinking time will heal the wounds caused. They were never meant to be created. I will await with a forgiving heart and will let this river continue to flow in me. I hear water streaming along with nature's force. Never ending. Never ending. I will let all the darkness fade away from my mind and be a light to the people around me.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
1001 Nights
She always withdraws from communicating with others.
She waits from sunset until dawn.
In loneliness, autumn comes, spring goes.
Promises once made fly away into emptiness.
The person in her dream still hasn't returned.
1001 nights...
Not one night did she not think of him.
Every thought is overtaken by non-paired butterflies.
1001 nights...
Not one night did she not tear...
All the tears storming inside her heart have frozen.
That night the rain poured heavily.
The petals in the garden all fell.
Those golden chrysanthemum were planted for her.
Everyone tells her to let go.
But she will just smile back at you,
At the heart of her palm are all her memories.
1001 nights...
Every night I see her missing him.
Who is the one causing so much worry on her face?
1001 nights...
Every night I hear her tear.
I don't know how I could come to comfort her.
Let me start from tonight, stand by her, and softly sing
a warm melody for her.
She waits from sunset until dawn.
In loneliness, autumn comes, spring goes.
Promises once made fly away into emptiness.
The person in her dream still hasn't returned.
1001 nights...
Not one night did she not think of him.
Every thought is overtaken by non-paired butterflies.
1001 nights...
Not one night did she not tear...
All the tears storming inside her heart have frozen.
That night the rain poured heavily.
The petals in the garden all fell.
Those golden chrysanthemum were planted for her.
Everyone tells her to let go.
But she will just smile back at you,
At the heart of her palm are all her memories.
1001 nights...
Every night I see her missing him.
Who is the one causing so much worry on her face?
1001 nights...
Every night I hear her tear.
I don't know how I could come to comfort her.
Let me start from tonight, stand by her, and softly sing
a warm melody for her.
Friday, June 17, 2011
After the flower blossoms......
I'm beginning another story. This is just the prelude.
Title: (To be determined)
What kind of key can lock a promise forever?
What kind of song can be sung forever?
After many many years later, when white hair becomes visible to the eye, will you still remember the promise that we'll forever know each other?
If I do want a forever, how many years can you give me?
After the flower blossoms, how long would it take for its petals to fall?
How far do the birds have to fly, so that we no longer can see them?
If young age lasts only one blink of eye, when do the loved ones have to leave each other?
We are all looking for a spring that will last forever.
We are all hoping for an everlasting promise.
But a beautiful dream can easily shatter.
Loved ones can easily languish
And eventually face each other with tears...
Title: (To be determined)
What kind of key can lock a promise forever?
What kind of song can be sung forever?
After many many years later, when white hair becomes visible to the eye, will you still remember the promise that we'll forever know each other?
If I do want a forever, how many years can you give me?
After the flower blossoms, how long would it take for its petals to fall?
How far do the birds have to fly, so that we no longer can see them?
If young age lasts only one blink of eye, when do the loved ones have to leave each other?
We are all looking for a spring that will last forever.
We are all hoping for an everlasting promise.
But a beautiful dream can easily shatter.
Loved ones can easily languish
And eventually face each other with tears...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Chapter 2: This Night
This Night I sat down to draw again. Nothing came. I really wanted to do the drawing. I wanted to draw a landscape with butterflies. I promised a friend I would do this one for her.
No more ink. This pen, emptied of ink, suddenly reminded me of my desolate heart. I am sitting here in this very dark room. I have music on. I began to fight with my inner-self again. What is happening to my hand? Why can I not draw? I fell asleep. I seemed to have slept for a very long time.
No more ink. This pen, emptied of ink, suddenly reminded me of my desolate heart. I am sitting here in this very dark room. I have music on. I began to fight with my inner-self again. What is happening to my hand? Why can I not draw? I fell asleep. I seemed to have slept for a very long time.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
simple
I wonder why it is so hard for me to think simple and write simple. I think my brain is filled with too much unnecessary junk that needs to be deleted with the computer keyboard delete button. UGH!
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